Saturday, February 13

I have always hated the number 13, and today is no exception. I can't believe it has been ten months since our little Haylee grew her wings. I wish I could lie and say how happy I am for her to be in the warm embrace of Our Heavenly Father, which I am... but today I just really want her back in my arms. I am grateful for each and every one of the 51 days which I had her, and I wouldn't trade them for ANYTHING. I try to remind myself that her life was perfect just the way it was... but I feel like my life is not. Losing her has left such a deep void in my heart and an emptiness nothing will ever be able to replace. I just wish I could hold her and love her one more time, that her sister could play with her and give her kisses, that I could see her smile and laugh, that I could watch her explore the world and learn to walk... there are soooo many things I feel like I am missing out on. When I see other babies that are the same age Haylee would be, my heart cries out how unfair it is. I just wish those other moms knew how lucky they are. I wish they knew that just by "being" they were hurting me. I wish they knew the angel that should be here with me. So today, I am not going to go on and on about how happy she must be... today, I am going to be honest and selfish, and wish I had her back in MY arms.

Being Your Mommy

No sleepless nights or 3 AM feedings
No good night kisses or story book readings
No chasing your sister to and from
No trips to the zoo and having fun
No "wash your hands" or "clean your plate"
No first birthday to celebrate
No listening to you say your bedtime prayers
No dancing with daddy without any cares
No playing dress up with wands and crowns
No learning to swim or splashing around
No making masterpieces for the refrigerator door
No weekly allowance, no rules, no chores
No princesses and dollies all over the place
No reading about Cinderella or outer space
No best friend sleepovers or sibling fights
No staying up late for popcorn and movie nights
No posing for pictures and saying "cheese"
No reminders to say "thank you" and "please"
No cheerleader tryouts or rides to the mall
No band-aids and kisses after a fall
No calls to Grammy or making home made cards
Being your mommy is so very hard
I wish I could hold you for just one more day
It feels so unfair you didn't get to stay
I miss you... your smile, your laughter, your touch
I feel cheated I am missing out on so much
I miss your childhood... it would have been fun
I miss the woman you would have become
I'm missing a lifetime filled with memories
I miss hearing all of your triumphs and glories
I have only dreams of how it would be
And wish you were still here with me
I will spend my lifetime remembering you...
Loving my sweet Haylee and missing you too
Despite all of the heartache and all of the pain
One things for sure... I'd do it again

This week I have been busy planning my sister's baby shower. I had a lot of reservations as to how I was going to feel helping prepare my sister for this new gift from God, without letting my own personal feelings get in the way of what I hope to be a very joyous celebration. I have been praying for the Lord to provide me with the wisdom, love and strength I need to be a supportive sister and wonderful auntie to Brok when he arrives. I don't know if jealous is the right word, but it is so difficult to remind myself how ugly envy and resentment are in the eyes of the Lord. How come she gets a baby, and not only did I have to give my beautiful angel back to the Lord, but He also took away my ability to bear more children? I was reading my good friend, Jessica's blog, and she put it so poignantly. She reminded me that Haylee's life was planned before I even knew her, and it was perfect just the way it was. Haylee was meant to be here for fifty one days, and not one second longer. I have so much trouble trusting in the Lord that this is a "good" plan. It just sounds so absurd. When have you ever heard of a baby dying and thought to yourself... "perfect"? Our Heavenly Father is sovereign, and as difficult as it sometimes is, I am faithful in the decisions He has made for my life. I am just so incredibly grateful that Emily's mother-in-law is helping me plan this shower, because she has been such a wonderful example to me. She knows and felt the love that Haylee brought to this world, and has helped me so much as I have walked this treturous journey.

My sweet friend Jen and her family are weighing heavy on my heart today. Today her precious Tyler would have turned one. Instead of celebrating his first birthday with his earthly family, he gets to celebrate it with Our Heavenly Father. I imagine his heart is filled with joy, beyond any joy we will ever know here on earth. I just pray the Lord watches over his family and comforts them with His peace and presence today.

Super Bowl Sunday!!!

Super bowl Sunday... What an exciting day for sports!! I am sooooo looking forward to seeing Freddy at work, and spending some time with him as we watch the big game. Rylee and I have already had a very eventful morning. We went to church with my mom, and we actually made it there on time. The message today was so awesome, and spoke right to my heart. The pastor talked about how although the circumstances might not change, we may still find peace when Our Heavenly Father is in our life. I thought how very true these words are. I know that as much as I would like too, I will never be able to bring Haylee back. However if I live my life with the Lord in my heart, it is possible to find happiness amongst what seems like utter despair. If anyone knows the pain of losing a child, He does. This "game" of life is not over, perhaps it is only halftime. Even though I may have been running the wrong direction, with the Lord by my side it is never to late to turn around and stick it out to the finish line. There is still much of life left to be lived, and I am faithful in Him that I truly do have a purpose here.

Rylee had a wonderful time in Sunday School. I guess she wanted to say prayers for snack time... "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. May angels watch me through the night, and keep me in there blessed sight. Amen." I guess she doesn't quite grasp the concept that this is her prayer for bedtime. The teacher said she was so excited... and that it was really cute. I guess mommy's next mission is to teach her a prayer for meal time. She really is such a little doll. When we got home from seeing all of the "beautiful princesses" at Disney on Ice, she lied down in mommy and daddy's bed for a little nap. I asked her if I could lie down with her.... "No" she said... "I think you need to go clean my house." She never stops cracking me up. Thank you Lord for a wonderful morning, a beautiful daughter, and such a loving mom. I pray that it continues to be a fabulous day.....

Just Another Day

I can hardly believe how quickly our little Haylee's birthday is approaching. It seems like it was just yesterday, and at the same time it seems like it was so long ago, that I held her in my arms for the first time... and admired every detail of her delicate little face. I remember so vividly listening to her innocent coos, and watching her precious hand grasp tightly around my finger as though she knew she was safe. I was so grateful that the Lord had blessed us with another beautiful and healthy baby girl. I sometimes wonder what we did wrong. Were we not worthy? We promised to love our precious Haylee unconditionally and sing her sweet songs every night; to watch over her and protect her. I try to remind myself, that really these are selfish tears we cry. Our beautiful angel is filled with love and fulfillment beyond our comprehension, in a place our earthly minds cannot even begin to understand the elaborateness of. She will always be watched over and feel safe, with Our Father by her side, in a place known as paradise. She will never be subjected to any kind of earthly harm and never have to feel pain. Our time with Haylee was all too brief, and as unfair is it might seem, we will go on loving her forever... and meet her each night in our dreams.

Thank you Lord for our other little angel , Rylee, who continues to brighten each and every one of our days. She has a way of making everyday worth living, and bring a sense of purpose to our lives. Watching her laugh and play is so incredible and rewarding. Her angelic smile and curious eyes bring so much joy to us as we watch her explore and navigate through life. We truly do treasure every second we spend with her. Tomorrow we are going back to Disney on Ice... She had so much fun watching all of the princesses and her favorite Disney characters. Grammy is here visiting, so after going to get yet another "beautiful dress", she talked my mom into getting tickets for the show tomorrow (it didn't take much convincing). Rylee loves her "Ya Ya", so much and can hardly contain herself when she comes to visit.

I am so grateful to be one of God's children, and for His continued love. There is NO love greater than that of The Most High. Thank you Lord for my wonderful family and supportive friends, and for all of Your awesome promises.

February 4, 2010

I lie awake in bed this morning tossing and turning, unable to sleep yet again. I decided to start a blog so our family and friends could join us on this amazing and challenging journey of life. It has been filled with countless ups and downs. As with any parent, you never imagine the thought of having to bury your child. February 22, 2009 sweet Haylee Mariah was placed in our arms and brought joy and love to us beyond measure. April 13, 2009 we gave her back to Our Heavenly Father. Somehow with the Lord as my strength, and several incredible friends by my side (Jessica, Jen, Brandy, Alicia, Mom... and of course my wonderful husband), I am still here to talk about it. There were several times I didn't think I could possibly endure one more sorrow filled day, and frankly I didn't want to. We are coming up on what would be Haylee's first birthday. At the suggestion of a sweet friend, Jen, and the encouragement of some other SIDS moms, we have decided to make her birthday a joyous occasion at the "most magical place on earth". Rylee can hardly wait!! We are bracing down and preparing our hearts for what we expect to be an emotionally overwhelming day. I am amazed at where we were last year, and how far we have come.
Haylee has taught us so many of life's most important lessons....
To fully and completely love and trust in God, To judge less and accept more, To treat each day as a gift, To appreciate every sunrise, That it's okay to take a moment to stop and marvel at the loveliness of a butterfly, To see beyond stereotypes to the inherent beauty of every living being, To appreciate my sweet Rylee and the song in her laughter, To enjoy sunsets, To see bunnies in the clouds, The true meaning of sorrow and utter despair, To see laughter in the eyes of a child, To care what happens to others, What it means to have a family, To protect earth, How to accept and cherish the life given to me, The importance of education, To pray, To love more, To appreciate beauty wherever I find it. To be humble, To watch the stars, To never ever take ANYTHING for granted, That there is an eternity....
Your life was not wasted precious angel....
We have learned so much from you...