This week I have been busy planning my sister's baby shower. I had a lot of reservations as to how I was going to feel helping prepare my sister for this new gift from God, without letting my own personal feelings get in the way of what I hope to be a very joyous celebration. I have been praying for the Lord to provide me with the wisdom, love and strength I need to be a supportive sister and wonderful auntie to Brok when he arrives. I don't know if jealous is the right word, but it is so difficult to remind myself how ugly envy and resentment are in the eyes of the Lord. How come she gets a baby, and not only did I have to give my beautiful angel back to the Lord, but He also took away my ability to bear more children? I was reading my good friend, Jessica's blog, and she put it so poignantly. She reminded me that Haylee's life was planned before I even knew her, and it was perfect just the way it was. Haylee was meant to be here for fifty one days, and not one second longer. I have so much trouble trusting in the Lord that this is a "good" plan. It just sounds so absurd. When have you ever heard of a baby dying and thought to yourself... "perfect"? Our Heavenly Father is sovereign, and as difficult as it sometimes is, I am faithful in the decisions He has made for my life. I am just so incredibly grateful that Emily's mother-in-law is helping me plan this shower, because she has been such a wonderful example to me. She knows and felt the love that Haylee brought to this world, and has helped me so much as I have walked this treturous journey.

My sweet friend Jen and her family are weighing heavy on my heart today. Today her precious Tyler would have turned one. Instead of celebrating his first birthday with his earthly family, he gets to celebrate it with Our Heavenly Father. I imagine his heart is filled with joy, beyond any joy we will ever know here on earth. I just pray the Lord watches over his family and comforts them with His peace and presence today.