Saturday, February 13

I have always hated the number 13, and today is no exception. I can't believe it has been ten months since our little Haylee grew her wings. I wish I could lie and say how happy I am for her to be in the warm embrace of Our Heavenly Father, which I am... but today I just really want her back in my arms. I am grateful for each and every one of the 51 days which I had her, and I wouldn't trade them for ANYTHING. I try to remind myself that her life was perfect just the way it was... but I feel like my life is not. Losing her has left such a deep void in my heart and an emptiness nothing will ever be able to replace. I just wish I could hold her and love her one more time, that her sister could play with her and give her kisses, that I could see her smile and laugh, that I could watch her explore the world and learn to walk... there are soooo many things I feel like I am missing out on. When I see other babies that are the same age Haylee would be, my heart cries out how unfair it is. I just wish those other moms knew how lucky they are. I wish they knew that just by "being" they were hurting me. I wish they knew the angel that should be here with me. So today, I am not going to go on and on about how happy she must be... today, I am going to be honest and selfish, and wish I had her back in MY arms.

Being Your Mommy

No sleepless nights or 3 AM feedings
No good night kisses or story book readings
No chasing your sister to and from
No trips to the zoo and having fun
No "wash your hands" or "clean your plate"
No first birthday to celebrate
No listening to you say your bedtime prayers
No dancing with daddy without any cares
No playing dress up with wands and crowns
No learning to swim or splashing around
No making masterpieces for the refrigerator door
No weekly allowance, no rules, no chores
No princesses and dollies all over the place
No reading about Cinderella or outer space
No best friend sleepovers or sibling fights
No staying up late for popcorn and movie nights
No posing for pictures and saying "cheese"
No reminders to say "thank you" and "please"
No cheerleader tryouts or rides to the mall
No band-aids and kisses after a fall
No calls to Grammy or making home made cards
Being your mommy is so very hard
I wish I could hold you for just one more day
It feels so unfair you didn't get to stay
I miss you... your smile, your laughter, your touch
I feel cheated I am missing out on so much
I miss your childhood... it would have been fun
I miss the woman you would have become
I'm missing a lifetime filled with memories
I miss hearing all of your triumphs and glories
I have only dreams of how it would be
And wish you were still here with me
I will spend my lifetime remembering you...
Loving my sweet Haylee and missing you too
Despite all of the heartache and all of the pain
One things for sure... I'd do it again